Finding Satisfaction

The feeling of satisfaction, of being content and happy with how things are in your life; is that not what we all strive for? The truth of the matter is that the large majority of us will never get to experience those feelings of satisfaction and happiness consistently. So why is this?

You might be thinking ‘well it’s better to not feel satisfied so you are always aiming to better yourself and achieve more’ and whilst this is correct in a sense, it is also wrong in another and is our downfall in many ways. There is an area of our brain known as the limbic system and, without boring you all to death with detail, this system is responsible for our emotions and behavioural responses (among other things). Professor Steve Peters named this area as your ‘chimp’ in ‘The Chimp Paradox’ and explained how it is responsible for much of your irrational thinking, emotion and behaviours. So how does this link, I hear you say. Well, this area is also the reason why we are always looking for the next best thing; this is why when we often achieve our goals we are then looking forward to what we want next without really appreciating what we have.

Let me put it in a simple way for you using betting; say you bet £10 on an accumulator at the weekend and the returns on it were £500. You said to yourself when you put the bet on that if the cash out got to £100 that you’d cash out and take your winnings. So the games are going on, the cash out gets to £100 and everything looks good…do you cash out? Some of you may say yes, but most wouldn’t if you were in that situation. You try to wait a bit longer to get a few extra pounds and as it steadily rises to £150 you are thinking of the big prize, the £500. You are planning what you’d spend that money; some shoes and few other items of clothing. Then suddenly as you picture yourself in your new £200 trainers something unthinkable happens…the cash out is suspended as you realise one of the games has turned on its head and your cash out drops to £15. So you see when we have goals in mind and reach those goals we then look further ahead, we want more and are never satisfied with what we have – you can thank your ‘chimp’ for that.

So now you have an awareness of how your mind works we want to outline how we can increase and sustain those feelings of satisfaction and contentment.

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Identify your values and strengths

This is the first step and really is the pillar of the process, we need this step to set everything else up. So what are your values in life? What do you value most? You can pick as many as you want and if you are struggling to identify them use the questions below to trigger some themes.

1. Write down times when you were happy or excited. What were you doing? Why were you so happy?

2. Write down times when you have felt content or satisfied and identify who you were with, what were you doing and what need of yours was fulfilled at this point.

3. What events would make you feel the worst/most upset and why? This could be anything from a divorce to death of a family member. Write them all down

As you go through these you’ll start to see patterns emerging and you will be able to identify at least 3 core values. If you are still struggling there are plenty of online tests you can complete and they will feedback some of your values and even looking at a list of values can resonate with you so try different ways and find which works for you.

Secondly, outline your strengths that you think you have. Online tests can, again, be a good way of getting the ball rolling but ask your friends and family what your best qualities/strengths are as well to get a better picture.

Once you have your values and strengths listed I want you to identify things you do in your life that satisfy these values and how you utilise your strengths in everyday life. You may actually find that you don’t satisfy many of your values and you may also not play to your strengths and if this is the case then here is a major reason why you will not feel satisfied often. So if one of your values is fun and yet you don’t do anything that you consider ‘fun’ on a consistent basis then this needs to change. Ask yourself what is something I would find fun, could be going to a comedy show once a week or playing sport with friends. Whatever it is, get it organised and reap the rewards.

For your strengths, starting to identify where you are strongest is great but using that to understand how to get the most out of your life is incredible. You are a great communicator who flourishes working in groups and is a fantastic leader, so why are you sat behind a desk on your own for 8 hours a day in a job you hate? Start identifying how you can use your strengths because too many of us try to be like other people in the hope that we ‘stand out’ and get a job… I hope that sounds as stupid to you as it does to me.

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Be Grateful

You may have heard and seen articles on gratitude before and thought ‘what a load of ***’ but trust me this is a game changer. As a little trial think of something now that you are really grateful for in your life, really picture whatever it is in your mind and put yourself there. The sights, sounds, smells – the feeling. Now as you keep that gratitude going try and feel angry, go on get angry but you have to keep that image in your mind. You can’t? Well there’s the benefit proved in less than a minute.

So how can you use this consistently? You can write a list of things you are grateful for and look over them everyday, you can pick one thing you are grateful for and focus on that for a couple of minutes each day, you can do whatever you like and whatever you feel works for you but actually stopping to notice the things you are grateful for in life can make the world of difference.

Now for the purpose of this process I want you to write a list of all the things you are grateful for and spend some time over this not just a quick couple of minutes. Once you have done that go through and highlight the ones that are based around achievements you have made; then in another colour, highlight those that aren’t based around achievements. The reason for doing this is to make a key point. This is that we often base feelings of fulfilment and self-worth on achievements and actions we have made which is actually harmful to us going forward because we feel like we must do something or achieve something to feel satisfied, happy or have self-worth when actually it’s based around awareness and acceptance. So make sure you have plenty of things you are grateful for that aren’t based on certain actions or achievements.

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Celebrating Achievements

This may initially sound novel but when you look at those achievements in your gratitude list, how many did you actually stop and celebrate for? For this step write down achievements you have made in your life and just spend a moment to admire them. We often don’t do this enough and seem to forget the things we have accomplished in life. Once you have done this, go through and circle the ones that you can honestly say you celebrated once you had achieved them. I’m not just talking a quick smile or fist pump, I’m talking a celebration like treating yourself to some good food, or a few drinks or a night out etc. I bet when you look at this list there are lots of achievements which don’t have a circle around them, am I right? This relates back to that betting example I gave to you at the start of the article and the discussion around the ‘chimp’ that we have. This is a huge reason as to why many of us don’t feel satisfied or content because even when we do set and achieve our goals, we don’t spend time to celebrate them. It’s like spending months and months writing a dissertation or revising for exams then on the day the dissertation is due or the day of your exams you just don’t submit the work or don’t show up. By not giving yourself that ‘pat on the back’ you are unconsciously teaching yourself to never be satisfied or happy over achievements and so guess what… you will learn to stay dissatisfied. It’s clear to see once your eyes have been opened.

So the simple message here is to celebrate successes however big or small. You hit your target of going to the gym 4 times this week, great why don’t you go to the cinema to celebrate. You created your own website this week, great why don’t you grab an ice cream on the way home. Get into this habit and what your life satisfaction and feeling of self-worth rocket.

So there you have it, 3 key steps which all carry huge importance to our feelings of contentment and satisfaction. Don’t do these steps if you are going to do them half-halfheartedly though, do them properly and put things in place for you to continue these techniques to really see your feelings change.

Thank you very much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I love hearing opinions and feedback so please feel free to get in touch with me.

All the best

Callum